Specifically the hurting, the broken, the outcast, the neglected, the
orphaned. But really, any child steals my heart. I have pictures of me,
no older than three years, holding babies. It continued to be a passion
of mine and still is. Something God completely laid on my heart, and is
pressing into now more than ever.
Since I was little, I have also
loved to sing. I would grab my sheet music stand, put the lyrics to
songs on it, put a cd in the living room stereo system, and give
“concerts” to my mom and dad (and sister if she would listen). I would
sing to every song on the radio, and, when no one was home, hook up the
microphones and record myself on a blank cassette tape (thankfully most
of them disappeared over the years!). I secretly wanted to sing, tour,
be “famous”.
And now it seems I have a choice to make. Both options are in
front of me. I have been admitted to Judson University for a degree in
Music Performance, two concentrations being voice and guitar. Accepted
on multiple scholarships, everything seemed to fall completely into
place.
But my heart has been stopped recently. My mindset changed. All my
life, every decision I have made has been based on me. Where will I go, what should I do, what will be the best way to better me?
I’m realizing the great opportunity I had that seems to have passed me
by, not completely, but I know I didn’t take full advantage of it.
South Africa. I had the chance to live out my heart, to give of myself,
and to really reach out to some of the most hurting people. And all I
could think about was my comfort, my stability, my dreams.
And thinking on that made me wonder. Why am I wanting to follow my
dream of music and not the one of helping children? And the answer hit
my heart like a dagger. Which one would better glorify me?
In my heart, I cannot honestly say that my priorities are right in
seeking this degree. Yes, I love music, yes, it has touched my life,
and, yes, singing and song writing has been my dream. But there’s
another yes, one I don’t want to so readily admit but need to. Yes,
following that path would be all for me. My wants, my desires, my life.
And so, I’m unclenching my fist. And praying surrender, praying
for open eyes, open heart, and open mind. I’m letting go of everything
that I thought was in my future, and giving it to God completely.
So, the plan I had laid out: Chicago, Music Performance, Singing,
Songwriting, Recording (yes, even that was very open through Judson).
I’m letting go of. If that’s the path God has for me, I’ll follow it.
But unless He completely rips me apart, humbles the crap out of my
flesh, and breaks me, that’s not where I will be this fall.
I’m tired of living my life for me, for the moment. I’m tired of
seeking comfort and stability. I’m tired of allowing my heart to harden
to where it used to break. And I’m tired of not following my Lord with
every breath of my fleshly body.
So, I’m praying for direction, for guidance, and for my heart to
be broken again. Praying for humility, that God would break down the
thickest wall of pride I have ever known. And praying for strength in
it all, that I will continue to seek after Him and continually, day by
day, surrender my heart, soul, and mind completely to Him.
I asked Him what He wanted me to do. I heard one word (so clearly, never clearer). It was:
LOVE.
